Portrait of Sir Kensington
Some Basic Facts About Sir Kensington
- Sir Kensington's cane is carved from an arctic narwhal he slayed whilst captain of the HMS Manningham.
- Sir Kensington's desire for nutmeg resulted in the spice trade, and thus the discovery of the new world.
- Sir Kensington has his shoes resoled with old top hats.
- Unbeknownst to most, Sir Kensington abolished slavery by whispering the word emancipation into Abraham Lincoln's left ear.
- Inside Sir Kensington's cane is a smaller version of the cane.
- Sir Kensington founded Rolls Royce when Mercedez Benz spoke without being spoken to.
- Sir Kensington does not buy antiques, he antiquates objects for later resale.
Sir Kensington's International Patents
- Sir Kensington invented the monocle so that he could read The Economist without the nuisance of full page ads.
- Sir Kensington invented the fireplace in order to busy his manservant.
- Sir Kensington invented ketchup because Chateau Saint Julien Medoc Christophe Juliard-Beaucaillou was too pedantic for his palate.
- Sir Kensington invented hunting to amuse himself on bank holidays.
- Sir Kensington invented the penny farthing to show up his arch rival, Herr Maximus von Mason, who invented the bicycle chain.
- Sir Kensington invented the British Pound Sterling because his silos were overflowing with gold bullion.
- Sir Kensington invented romance when he tired of committing adultery.
- Sir Kensington invented croquet when watching cricket no longer provided sufficient entertainment.
- Sir Kensington invented apathy when he grew bored with emotion.
Sir Kensington's Dealbook: Recent Transactions
March 14 - Sir Kensington purchased a majority stake in Trinidad and Tobago Municipal Ports Corporation for an undisclosed sum.
January 11 - Sir Kensington arbitraged pumpernickel and sourdough to create marble rye.
November 7 - Sir Kensington negotiated the sale of commercial real estate in the Federal Islamic Republic of the Comoros Islands.